Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
it hurts more in the daytime
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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