I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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