Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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