I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
