i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
