: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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