ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
