dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
