6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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