he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
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