guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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