I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
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