He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
