Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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