3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
