i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
