can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
