My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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