I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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