my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
