Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
Randomize
