Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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