all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Randomize
