If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
