Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Randomize
