Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
