My sheets look like a crime scene.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
