I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
