Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
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He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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