Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
