I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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