Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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