i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
