My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
