and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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