Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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