Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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