I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
