ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
