Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Randomize
