Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
