just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
