Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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