your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
