# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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