Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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