The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
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