Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
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You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
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Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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