so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Dignity is for republicans.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Randomize
