I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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