Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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