I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
