I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
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Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
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I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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