I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
