i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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