I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
