my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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