I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
