I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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