Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
